Easy steps to use Facebook like a functional adult.

29 August, 2010

or, how I learned to stop posting crap and to not suck at facebook.

Excessive pictures are the devils playground.

Yeah, I know. Your child is cute (I totally agree, she is nothing short of adorable). She is a unique snowflake. But I got that after the first dozen albums. Keep the pics to a minimum or just use flickr. Trust me, you’ll like it, and you won’t look insane.

Hey, that’s your fourth profile picture this week.

Don’t do this. If I care about you enough to have added you AND not blocked you from my feed I’d like to be able to actually see your posts instead of glancing past them when I don’t recognize your picture.

So, you’re posting song lyrics now?

Does this coldplay song perfectly display the truth of your existence? Does it show the world how you and only you feel? I’m sure it does, that’s why they sold a bazillion albums. Stop being so emo, or at least use your angst to write something of your own, we’ll respect your effort.

No one cares about your run.

Alternatively, no one cares about your nap.

No, you couldn’t design it better.

Facebook has some of the best user-experience designers and engineers in the world, so when you complain about them moving something you’re probably wrong.

So, you’ve discovered their business model.

Facebook has never tried to hide the fact that they want to make money by using your data to sell ads targeted towards you. That’s what they do, it’s pretty obvious. So your rant about eroding personal freedom is probably misplaced.

If you just posted what you’re doing at 12:01, you don’t need to update again at 12:15.

Pace yourself, you’ll realize that most of what you post will be several times funnier/more interesting when you actually think about it first. I know, crazy, right? And if you really need to update more, try Twitter. It’s awesome.

No one has 2,000 friends.

You’re just a tool.

Notes are pretty cool, huh?

But if they’re longer than a paragraph why not just get yourself a blog? You can even make it look pretty.

So, you have a website?

If everything you post is about your site, just get it over with and create a fan page. I accepted the friend request from you, not www.starwarssectets4you.com. (You have no idea how badly I hope that is not a real site!)

How many people actually care?

If it’s the same 2 people commenting on everything you post, is facebook really the best way to share that information? If it’s one person you could call them, just saying.

Make those videos worthwhile

When I’m on my phone and you just posted something stupid and it takes 5 minutes to load that’s not cool. Make sure it’s at a “hide yo kids, hide yo wife” level or better.

Did you just check in at the doctor’s office?

If you need to tell the world where you are there are really cool places to do that, they’re called foursquare and gowalla. They do it better, anyways.

LOL? How about NO.

Avoid any acronym that makes you sound 16.

Avoid the like button.

Be part of the solution, not part of the problem. If you push it 12 times a day do you really like all that stuff? (And, everyone likes The Office, you don’t need to click it.)